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Tax Cheat or I Am Very Important

January 24, 2009 - Ben Feldman
The recent closed door session between the Treasury designate, Timothy Geithner and the press was revealed recently by an underground organization called "Gotcha". Here is a copy of the transcript obtained in the dead of night when the innaugural festivities were over. Reporters names are being withheld to protect the wealthy, influential, and corrupt from the wealthy, influential, and corrupt. Reporter: Mr. Secretary, you have said your missed tax payments were an honest mistake. Please explain. Mr. Secretary: Well, I was simply not paying attention. I am very busy. You see, I am a very important person. Reporter: Were you thinking of something else more pressing? Mr. Secretary: Why, yes. I am very busy, you know. Reporter: Well, what was it? The thoughts of John Stuart Mill or what? Mr. Secretary: Well it was about my tennis game with Al Greenspan. We play and we join Larry Summers. We work out like the President. We are all very smart in the game. Very smart. Reporter: Indeed. So tennis was on your mind? Mr. Secretary: Look as I said, It was a careless mistake. I am very busy. I am a very important person. I am part of the Presidents brain trust. All Ivy Leaguers, you know. Reporter: Well upon reflection, what would you have done otherwise that's appropriate? Mr. Secretary: Well I would have been more careful, of course. Reporter: You mean you would have made a careful mistake? Mr. Secretary: No. I was so busy. I am a very important person. Reporter: Ok. But please explain yourself. Mr. Secretary: I don't think I should since this matter is before the Senate Finance Committee. Reporter: Well don't you worry about the appearance? Mr. Secretary: What do you mean? I look good on television. My hair is well styled. I wear expensive clothes. I look like I am made for this position. I am very important. Reporter: But you haven't told us what the difference is between a careless mistake and careful mistake? Mr. Secretary: Well, let me say this. You see, the Bush administration was so bad, so corrupt, so greedy and venal that it disturbed me to distraction. Hideously so, I might add. That caused my failure to pay the taxes. I was so upset at there villainy. I was troubled by the war, Gitmo. That's what caused this careless, innocent mistake. Reporter: I don't understand. Mr. Secretary: Look I was so busy. I am very important, you know. I was concentrating on the war, the Bush administration, the Bush transgressions, and I was the top regulator of the banks which, as you know, got into trouble. I am very important and too big to be denied this position. Reporter: Too big? Mr. Secretary: That's right. Too smart, too brilliant to be denied this job. No one is more gifted. So, I made an itsy bitsy mistake. But, it was careless. So, no big deal. Reporter: But it makes it seem you are special. Mr. Secretary: I am. Reporter: But what if Joe the plumber, or fireman, did this. Would he be special too? Mr. Secretary: Heavens no. Reporter: Really. Mr. Secretary: I am part of the brain trust, the political class. Reporter: Ok. So what about these summer camp deductions you tried to get accepted by the IRS. Your accountant said you can't do it but, you tried anyway. Mr. Secretary: Same careless mistake. Anyway what does my accountant know? He's just a bean counter not a brain trust guy like me. I am very important. Reporter: But the bean counter was right. Mr. Secretary: Well now that's a matter of what right means. You see a right could be construed as a demand, or as a manner of tone inflection, which comes before thought.It is a pause of one thing over another on a linear train of comprehension. So right is a debatable ambiguity. So who is right in a situation like this? Anyway, as the President says, we need to be above pettiness. Reporter: I am confused. Mr. Secretary: Well that's because I am brilliant, indispensable for thinking for the government. You'll catch up in time. Reporter: Well, here's a problem. Vice President Biden said to Katie Couric, in an interview, that to pay taxes is patriotic. How do square your failure to pay taxes with his comments? Mr. Secretary: {Indignant} I am a patriot.I love this country. {sniffs} I have been educated here, born here, raised my family here, I love this country.{sniffs again} This country is wonderful. I have many friends here, powerful, influential, wealthy. {sobs openly} I am important.{ sobs heavier}. I love America {sobs heavier, louder}. I shall not be denied. I am busy, too important. {sobs uncontrollably} I love America. {Sobbing, he is now becoming unhinged}. Reporter: Thank you sir. Mr. Secretary: {He sobs and begins to howl like a basset hound.}


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